Title: The Pet Shop
            From: And Now For Something Completely Different
  Transcribed By: Bret Shefter ( SHEBREB@YALEVM.BITNET ) 
 
 
A customer enters a pet shop.
 
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
 
(The owner does not respond.)
 
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C:  I'm sorry, I have a cold.  I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad.  I wish to complain about this parrot what I
   purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's
   wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking
   at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'!  Remarkable bird, the Norwegian
   Blue, idn'it, ay?  Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it.  It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no!  'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
   (shouting at the cage)
   'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot!	I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if
   you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!
   Testing! Testing!  Testing!	Testing!  This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
 
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter.  Throws it up
in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
 
C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah!  You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up!  Norwegian Blues
   stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this.
   That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour
   ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein'
   tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!?  What kind of talk is that?, look, why
   did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back!  Remarkable bird, id'nit,
   squire?  Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home,
   and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in
   the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
 
(pause)
 
O: Well, o'course it was nailed there!	If I hadn't nailed that bird down,
   it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and
   VOOM!  Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!?  Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts
   through it!	'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no!  'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'!  'E's passed on!  This parrot is no more!  He has ceased
   to be!  'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!  'E's a stiff!  Bereft
   of life, 'e rests in peace!	If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be
   pushing up the daisies!  'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory!  'E's off
   the twig!  'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run
   down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
   THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
 
(pause)
 
O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O:  Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're
    right out of parrots.
C: I see.  I see, I get the picture.
O:  I got a slug.
 
(pause)
 
C: Pray, does it talk?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
 
O: Well!  I never wanted to do this in the first place.  I wanted to be...
   A LUMBERJACK!