Title: The Jail 
            From: Monty Python's Life of Brian 
  Transcribed By: unknown


(BRIAN wakes up with a smile on his face to find himself being dragged along a
 cell corridor by TWO GUARDS.  The horrible figure of the JAILER spits at him 
 and flings him into a dark damp cell, slamming the iron grate behind him and 
 turning the key hollowly in the lock.  BRIAN slumps to the floor.  A voice 
 comes out of the darkness behind him.) 
 
BEN:   You LUCKY bastard! 
BRIAN: (spins around and peers into the gloom): Who's that? 
 
(In the darkness BRIAN just makes out an emaciated figure, suspended on the 
 wall, with his feet off the ground, by chains round his wrists.  This is BEN.) 
 
BEN:   You lucky, lucky bastard. 
BRIAN: What? 
BEN    (with great bitterness): Proper little gaoler's pet, aren't we? 
BRIAN: (ruffled) What do you mean? 
BEN:   You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh? 
BRIAN: Slipped him a few shekels!?  You saw him spit in my face! 
BEN:   Ohh!  What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face!  I sometimes hang 
       awake at nights dreaming of being spat in the face. 
BRIAN: Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it?  They had me in manacles ... 
BEN:   Manacles!  Oooh.... 
       (his eyes go quite dreamy) 
       My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put in manacles ... just for a 
       few hours.  They must think the sun shines out of your arse, sonny! 
BRIAN: Listen!  They beat me up before they threw me in here. 
BEN:   Oh yeah?  The only day they don't beat me up is on my birthday. 
BRIAN: Oh shut up. 
BEN:   Well, your type makes me sick!  You come in here, you get treated like 
       Royalty, and everyone outside thinks you're a bloody martyr. 
BRIAN: Oh, lay off me ... I've had a hard time! 
BEN:   YOU'VE had a hard time!  Listen, sonny!  I've been here five years and 
       they only hung me the right way up yesterday! 
BRIAN: All right!  All right! 
BEN:   I just wish I had half your luck.  They must think you're Lord God 
       Almighty! 
BRIAN: What'll they do to me? 
BEN:   Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion. 
BRIAN: Crucifixion! 
BEN:   Yeah, first offense. 
BRIAN: Get away with crucifixion! 
BEN:   Best thing the Romans ever did for us. 
BRIAN: (incredulous)  What? 
BEN:   Oh yeah.  If we didn't have crucifixion this country would be in a right 
       bloody mess I tell you. 
BRIAN: (who can stand it no longer)  Guard! 
BEN:   Nail 'em up I say! 
BRIAN: (dragging himself over to the door)  Guard! 
BEN:   Nail some sense into them! 
GUARD: (looking through the bars)  What d'you want? 
BRIAN: I want to be moved to another cell. 
       (GUARD spits in his face.) 
BRIAN: Oh!  (he recoils in helpless disgust) 
BEN:   Oh ... look at that!  Bloody favouritism! 
GUARD: Shut up, you! 
BEN:   Sorry!  Sorry! 
       (he lowers his voice) 
       Now take my case.  I've been here five years, and every night they take 
       me down for ten minutes, then they hang me up again ... which I regard 
       as very fair ... in view of what I done ... and if nothing else, it's 
       taught me to respect the Romans, and it's taught me that you'll never 
       get anywhere in life unless you're prepared to do a fair day's work for 
       a fair day's pay ... 
BRIAN: Oh ... Shut up! 
    (CENTURION approaches cell door with two soldiers, starts unlocking door) 
CENT:  Pilate wants to see you. 
BRIAN: Me? 
CENT:  Come on. 
BRIAN: Pilate?  What does he want to see me for? 
CENT:  I think he wants to know which way up you want to be crucified. 
    (He laughs.  The TWO SOLDIERS smirk.  BEN laughs uproariously.) 
BEN:     ... Nice one, centurion.  Like it, like it. 
CENT (to BEN):  Shut up! 
    (BRIAN is hustled out.  The door slams.) 
BEN (to himself): Terrific race the Romans ... terrific.