Title: Elephantoplasty
            From: Matching Tie & Handkerchief
  Transcribed By: Davina Tung 


Announcer (John Cleese): Tonight on Who Cares? we examine the frontiers of
   surgery.  With us is the international financier and surgeon Reg LeCrisp and
   his most successful patient to date, the elephant Mr. George Humphries. 
   (Elephant trumpets.)  Mr. LeCrisp, the surgery on Mr. Humpries is truly
   remarkable, but--why an elephant?
LeCrisp (Terry Jones): Well, that was just a stroke of luck, really.  An 
   elephant's trunk became available after a road accident, and Mr. Humphries
   happened to be walking past the hospital at the time.
A: And what was Mr. Humphries' reaction to the transplant of the elephant's
   organs?
L (interspersed with trumpeting): Surprise at first, then later shock, and
   deep anger and resentment.  But his family were marvelous, they helped pull
   him through--
A: How long was he in hospital?
L: Well, he spent the first three weeks in our intensive care unit, and then 
   eight weeks in the zoo.
A: I see...  Is Mr. Humphries now able to lead a fairly normal life?
L: No.  Oh, no, no.  No--he still has to wash himself in a rather special way,
   he can only eat buns, and he's not allowed on public transport.  But I feel
   these are very minor problems--
A: Mm hmmm.
L: --when you consider the very sophisticated surgery which Mr. Humphries has
   undergone.  I mean, each of those feet he's got now weighs more than his
   whole body did before the... elephantoplasty, and the tusks alone--
A: Er, some years ago you were the center of, er, controversy both from your 
   own medical colleagues and from the Church when you grafted a pederast onto
   an Anglican bishop.
L: Well, that's ignorance of the press, if I may say so.  We've done thousands
   of similar operations, it's just that this time there was a bishop involved.
   I wish I could have more bishops, I--
A: Is lack of donors a problem?
L: There just aren't enough accidents.  It's unethical and time-consuming to go
   out and *cause* them, so we're having to rely on whatever comes to hand--
   chairs, tables, floor-cleaning equipment, drying-out racks, pieces of 
   pottery... and these do pose almost insurmountable surgical problems.  What
   I'm sitting on, in fact, is one of our more successful attempts.  This is
   Mrs. Dudley.  She had little hope of survival, she'd lost interest in life,
   but along came this very attractive mahogany frame, and now she's a jolly 
   comfortable Chesterfield.
A: Mm hmm.  I see.
(Sound of car crash--sirens blaring)
L: Oh--excuse me... (Rushes out.)