Title: Demands
            From: unknown
  Transcribed By: unknown


(The interior of MATTHIAS'S HOUSE.  A cellar-like room with a very
 conspiratorial atmosphere.  REG and STAN are seated at a table at one end of 
 the room.  FRANCIS, dressed in commando gear -- black robes and a red sash 
 around his head -- is standing by a plan on the wall.  He is addressing an 
 audience of about ten. 
 
 
 
        FRANCIS 
     We get in through the underground heating system here ... up through to 
     the main audience chamber here ... and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. 
     Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and 
     forthwith issue our demands.  Any questions? 
        COMMANDO XERXES 
     What exactly are the demands? 
        REG 
     We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the 
     Roman Imperialist State and if he doesn't agree immediately we execute her. 
 
        MATTHIAS 
     Cut her head of? 
        FRANCIS 
     Cut all her bits off, send 'em back every hour on the hour ... show him 
     we're not to be trifled with. 
        REG 
     Also, we're demanding a ten foot mahogany statue of the Emperor Julius 
     Caesar with his cock hanging out. 
        STAN 
     What?  They'll never agree to that, Reg. 
        REG 
     That's just a bargaining counter.  And of course, we point out that they 
     bear full responsibility when we chop her up, AND ... that we shall NOT 
     submit to blackmail. 
        ALL 
     (Applause) No blackmail!!!! 
        REG 
     They've bled us white, the bastards.  They've taken everything we had, 
     not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers' fathers. 
        STAN 
     And from our fathers' fathers' fathers. 
        REG 
     Yes. 
        STAN 
     And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers. 
        REG 
     All right, Stan.  Don't labour the point.  And what have they ever given 
     us IN RETURN?  (he pauses smugly) 
        XERXES 
     The aqueduct? 
        REG 
     What? 
        XERXES 
     The aqueduct. 
        REG 
     Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that.  Yeah.  That's true. 
        MASKED COMMANDO 
     And the sanitation! 
        STAN 
     Oh yes ... sanitation, Reg, you remember what the city used to be like. 
        REG 
     All right, I'll grant you that the aqueduct and the sanitation are two 
     things that the Romans HAVE done ... 
        MATTHIAS 
     And the roads ... 
        REG 
     (sharply) Well YES OBVIOUSLY the roads ... the roads go without saying. 
     But apart from the aqueduct, the sanitation and the roads ... 
        ANOTHER MASKED COMMANDO 
     Irrigation ... 
        OTHER MASKED VOICES 
     Medicine ... Education ... Health 
        REG 
     Yes ... all right, fair enough ... 
        COMMANDO NEARER THE FRONT 
     And the wine ... 
        GENERAL AUDIENCE 
     Oh yes!  True! 
        FRANCIS 
     Yeah.  That's something we'd really miss if the Romans left, Reg. 
        MASKED COMMANDO AT BACK 
     Public baths! 
        STAN 
     AND it's safe to walk in the streets at night now. 
        FRANCIS 
     Yes, they certainly know how to keep order ... 
     (general nodding) 
     ... let's face it, they're the only ones who could in a place like this. 
     (more general murmurs of agreement) 
        REG 
     All right ... all right ... but apart from better sanitation and medicine 
     and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater 
     system and baths and public order ... what HAVE the Romans done for US? 
        XERXES 
     Brought peace! 
        REG 
     (very angry, he's not having a good meeting at all) 
     What!?  Oh ... (scornfully) Peace, yes ... shut up!