Monty Pythons Big Red Book
                               
The tale of the Piranha Brothers                           1
Gavin Millarrrrr writes:                                   3
                               
                               

The tale of the Piranha Brothers
                               
  From episode 1 of series 2 of Monty Python's Flying Circus
     (similar to the one on "Another Monty Python Record")
Transcribed from Monty Python's Big Red Book (the new hardback
                           edition)
1
Last  Tuesday  a reign of terror was ended when  the  notorious
Piranha  brothers, Doug and Dinsdale, after  one  of  the  most
extraordinary  trials in British legal history, were  sentenced
to  400  years imprisonment for crimes of violence. We examined
the  rise  to power of the Piranhas, the methods they  used  to
subjugate  rival gangs and their subsequent tracking  down  and
capture by the brilliant Superintendent Harry 'Snapper'  Organs
of Q Division.

Doug  and Dinsdale Piranha were born, on probation, in a  small
house  in Kipling Road, Southwark, the eldest sons in a  family
of  sixteen. Their father Arthur Piranha, a scrap metal  dealer
and  TV  quizmaster, was well known to the police,and a  devout
Catholic. In 1928 he had married Kitty Malone, an up-and-coming
East End boxer. Doug was born in February 1929 and Dinsdale two
weeks later; and again a week after that. Someone who remembers
them well was their next door neighbour, Mrs April Simnel.

"Oh yes Kipling Road was a typical East End Street, people were
in  and  out of each other's houses with each other's  property
all day. They were a cheery lot. Cheerful and violent. Doug was
keen  on boxing, but when he learned to walk he took up putting
the  boot  in  the groin. He was very interested in  that.  His
mother  had  a  terrible job getting him to come  in  for  tea.
Putting  his  little boot in he'd be, bless him. All  the  kids
were  like that then, they didn't have their heads stuffed with
all this Cartesian dualism."

At  the age of fifteen Doug and Dinsdale started attending  the
Ernest  Pythagoras  Primary School  in  Clerkenwell.  When  the
Piranhas left school they were called up but were found  by  an
Army Board to be too unstable even for National Service. Denied
the  opportunity to use their talents in the service  of  their
country,   they  began  to  operate  what  they   called   'The
Operation'... They would select a victim and then  threaten  to
beat  him  up  if he paid the so-called protection money.  Four
months  later they started another operation which  the  called
'The  Other  Operation'. In this racket they  selected  another
victim and threatened not to beat him up if he didn't pay them.
One  month later they hit upon 'The Other Other Operation'.  In
this the victim was threatened that if he didn't pay them, they
would  beat  him  up.  This for the Piranha  brothers  was  the
turning point.

Doug  and Dinsdale Piranha now formed a gang, which the  called
'The  Gang' and used terror to take over night clubs,  billiard
halls, gaming casinos and race tracks. When they tried to  take
over  the MCC they were, for the only time in their lives, slit
up  a  treat.  As their empire spread however, Q Division  were
keeping  tabs  on  their  every  move  by  reading  the  colour
supplements.

One  small-time operator who fell foul of Dinsdale Piranha  was
Vince Snetterton-Lewis.

"Well  one day I was at home threatening the kids when I  looks
out through the hole in the wall and sees this tank pull up and
out  gets  one  of  Dinsdale's boys, so he comes  in  nice  and
friendly and says Dinsdale wants to have a word with me, so  he
chains  me  to the back of the tank and takes me for  a  scrape
round   to  Dinsdale's  place  and  Dinsdale's  there  in   the
conversation  pit  with  Doug and  Charles  Paisley,  the  baby
crusher,  and  two  film  producers  and  a  man  they   called
'Kierkegaard', who just sat there biting the heads of  whippets
and  Dinsdale  says 'I hear you've been a naughty boy  Clement'
and he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me
liver  out  and I tell him my name's not Clement and  then...he
loses his temper and nails me head to the floor."

Another  man who had his head nailed to the floor was  Stig  O'
Tracy.

Rogers: I've been told Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head to the
floor.
Stig:  No. Never. He was a smashing bloke. He used to  buy  his
mother flowers and that. He was like a brother to me.
Rogers:  But the police have film of Dinsdale actually  nailing
your head to the floor.
Stig: (pause) Oh yeah, he did that.
Rogers: Why?
Stig: Well he had to, didn't he? I mean there was nothing  else
he could do, be fair. I had transgressed the unwritten law.
Rogers: What had you done?
Stig:  Er...  well he didn't tell me that, but he gave  me  his
word  that it was the case, and that's good enough for me  with
old  Dinsy.  I mean, he didn't *want* to nail my  head  to  the
floor.  I  had  to  insist. He wanted to let me  off.  He'd  do
anything for you, Dinsdale would.
Rogers: And you don't bear him a grudge?
Stig: A grudge! Old Dinsy. He was a real darling.
Rogers:  I  understand he also nailed your  wife's  head  to  a
coffee table. Isn't that true Mrs O' Tracy?
Mrs O' Tracy: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Stig: Well he did do that, yeah. He was a hard man. Vicious but
fair.

Vince Snetterton-Lewis agreed with this judgement.

Yes,  definitely he was fair. After he nailed me  head  to  the
table,  I  used to go round every Sunday lunchtime to his  flat
and  apologise, and then we'd shake hands and he'd nail me head
to  the floor. He was very reasonable. Once, one Sunday I  told
him  my parents were coming round to tea and would he mind very
much  not  nailing  my head that week and he  agreed  and  just
screwed my pelvis to a cake stand."

Clearly  Dinsdale inspired tremendous fear among  his  business
associates. But what was he really like?

Gloria Pules knew him intimately.

"I  walked out with Dinsdale on many occasions and found him  a
charming and erudite companion. He was wont to introduce one to
eminent  celebrities, celebrated American singers,  members  of
the  aristocracy and other gang leaders, who he had met through
his work for charities. He took a warm interest in Boys' Clubs,
Sailors'  Homes,  Choristers' Associations  and  the  Grenadier
Guards. "Mind you there was nothing unusual about him. I should
say  not. Except, that Dinsdale was convinced that he was being
watched  by  a  giant hedgehog whom he referred  to  as  'Spiny
Norman'. Normally Spiny Norman was wont to be about twelve feet
from  snout  to  tail, but when Dinsdale was  depressed  Norman
could  be anything up to eight hundred yards long. When  Norman
was  about Dinsdale would go very quiet and start wobbling  and
his nose would swell up and his teeth would move about and he'd
get very violent and claim that he'd laid Stanley Baldwin."

Rogers:  "Did  it  worry  you that he,  for  example,  stitched
people's legs together?"

Gloria: "Well it's better than bottling it up isn't it. He  was
a  gentleman, Dinsdale, and what's more he knew how to treat  a
female impersonator."

But  what  do  the criminologists think? We asked  The  Amazing
Kargol and Janet:

"It is easy for us to judge Dinsdale Piranha too harshly. After
all  he  only did what many of us simply dream of doing...  I'm
sorry. After all we should remember that a murderer is only  an
extroverted suicide. Dinsdale was a looney, but he was a  happy
looney. Lucky bugger."

Most  of  the  strange tales concern Dinsdale, but  what  about
Doug? One man who met him was Luigi Vercotti.

"I  had  been running a successful escort agency -- high class,
no  really, high class girls -- we didn't have any of *that* --
that  was  right out. So I decided to open a high  class  night
club  for the gentry at Biggleswade with International  cuisine
and  cooking and top line acts, and not a cheap clip joint  for
picking  up tarts -- that was right out, I deny that completely
--,  and  one  evening in walks Dinsdale with a couple  of  big
lads, one of whom was carrying a tactical nuclear missile. They
said  I had bought one of their fruit machines and would I  pay
for  it?  They  wanted three quarters of a  million  pounds.  I
thought about it and decided not to go to the Police as  I  had
noticed  that  the lad with the thermonuclear  device  was  the
chief constable for the area. So a week later they called again
and  told me the cheque had bounced and said... I had to see...
Doug.  Well, I was terrified. Everyone was terrified  of  Doug.
I've  seen grown men pull their own heads off rather  than  see
Doug. Even Dinsdale was frightened of Doug. He used... sarcasm.
He knew all the tricks, dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns,
parody, litotes and... satire. He was vicious."

In  this  way,  by a combination of violence and  sarcasm,  the
Piranha  brothers by February 1966 controlled  London  and  the
Southeast of England. It was in February, though, that Dinsdale
made a big mistake.

Latterly  Dinsdale had become increasingly worried about  Spiny
Norman. He had come to the conclusion that Norman slept  in  an
aeroplane  hangar at Luton Airport. And so on  Feb  22nd  1966,
Dinsdale blew up Luton.

Even  the  police began to sit up and take notice. The Piranhas
realised  they had gone too far and that the hunt was on.  They
went  into hiding. But it was too late. Harry 'Snapper'  Organs
was on the trail.

"I decided on a subtle approach, viz. some form of disguise, as
the  old  helmet and boots are a bit of a giveaway. Luckily  my
years with Bristol Rep. stood me in good stead, as I assumed  a
bewildering  variety of disguises. I tracked them  to  Cardiff,
posing  as the Reverend Smiler Egret. Hearing they'd gone  back
to  London,  I  assumed the identity of a pork  butcher,  Brian
Stoats. On my arrival in London, I discovered they had returned
to  Cardiff, I followed as Gloucester from _King Lear_.  Acting
on a hunch I spent several months in Buenos Aires as Blind Pew,
returning through the Panama Canal as Ratty, in _Toad  of  Toad
Hall_. Back in Cardiff, I relived my triumph as Sancho Panza in
_Man  of  la Mancha_ which the "Bristol Evening Post" described
as  'a glittering performance of rare perception', although the
"Bath Chronicle" was less than enthusiastic. In fact it gave me
a   right  panning.  I  quote:  'as  for  the  performance   of
Superintendent  Harry  "Snapper" Organs as  Sancho  Panza,  the
audience  were  bemused by his high-pitched  Welsh  accent  and
intimidated  by his abusive ad-libs.' The "Western Daily  News"
said:  'Sancho Panza (Mr Organs) spoilt an otherwise impeccably
choreographed  rape  scene  by his unscheduled  appearance  and
persistent cries of "What's all this then?"'" Against this kind
of opposition for the Piranha Brothers the end was inevitable.

                            THE END

**** end of file PIRANHA PYTHON 3/28/88 ***



Gavin Millarrrrr writes:

   from "Monty Python's Big Red Book" (new hardback edition)

Gavin Millarrrrrrrrrr [John Cleese] writes:

Neville  Shunt's latest West End Success, "It all  Happened  on
the  11.20  from Hainault to Redhill via Horsham  and  Reigate,
calling  at  Carshalton Beeches, Malmesbury,  Tooting  Bec  and
Croydon  West,"  is  currently appearing at the  Limp  Theatre,
Piccadilly. What Shunt is doing in this, as in his earlier nine
plays,  is  to express the human condition in terms of  British
Rail.

Some  people have made the mistake of seeing Shunt's work as  a
load  of  rubbish about railway timetables, but  clever  people
like me who talk loudly in restaurants see this as a deliberate
ambiguity,  a  plea for understanding in a mechanised  mansion.
The  points  are  frozen,  the  beast  is  dead.  What  is  the
difference? What indeed is the point? The point is frozen,  the
beast  is  late out of Paddington. The point is  taken.  If  La
Fontaine's  elk would spurn Tom Jones the engine  must  be  our
head,  the dining car our aesophagus, the guards van  our  left
lung,  the  cattle truck our shins, the first class compartment
the  piece  of  skin  at the nape of the  neck  and  the  level
crossing   an  electric  elk  called  Simon.  The  clarity   is
devastating. But where is the ambiguity? Over there in  a  box.
Shunt  is  saying the 8.15 from Gillingham when in  reality  he
means the 8.13 from Gillingham. The train is the same, only the
time  is  altered.  Ecce homo, ergo elk. La Fontaine  knew  its
sister and knew her bloody well. The point is taken, the  beast
is  moulting,  the  fluff gets up your nose.  The  illusion  is
complete;  it  is  reality, the reality  is  illusion  and  the
ambiguity  is  the only truth. But is the truth,  as  Hitchcock
observes,  in the box? No, there isn't room, the ambiguity  has
put  on weight. The point is taken, the elk is dead, the  beast
stops   at  Swindon,  Chabrol  stops  at  nothing,  I'm  having
treatment and La Fontaine can get knotted.

****  end  of  file  TRAIN PYTHON (originally  MILARRRR  PYTHON
9/18/87) 5/10/88 ****


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Sida: 9
1   "The tale of the Piranha Brothers" kan vara en parodi på
gangsterbröderna Kray.