Title: Big Nose Scene
            From: Monty Python's Life of Brian
  Transcribed By: Dwayne A. X. E. E. ( CS107124@YUSOL.BITNET )
       Edited By: Malcolm Dickinson ( CLARINET@YALEVM.BITNET )

 
Titles on Screen:
 
			 Judea	A.D. 33
 
			 Saturday Afternoon
 
			 About Tea-Time
 
(We hear the distant voice of Jesus Christ floating towards us and cut to see
 him standing at the summit of a hill.	Around him as we track backwards are
 thousands of people, listening to his words:)
 
Jesus:	How blest are the sorrowful, for they shall find consolation.
	How blest are those of gentle spirit.
	They shall have the earth for their posession.
	How blest are those who hunger and thirst to see right prevail.
	They shall be satisfied...
 
(CHRIST's voice gets fainter as we pull back from him revealing the enormous
 size of the crowd.  Standing nearby, isolated but alert, is a large contingent
 of Roman soldiers drawn up in serried ranks, armed, impassive, on foreign
 extra-weekend duty, keeping an eye on a large and potentially anti-Roman
 crowd.)
 
(We are a long way back from JESUS now, on another hillside towards the back
 of this huge multitude.  His voice is barely audible on the wind.  People are
 straining to hear.  The camera comes to rest by Mandy, older now by thirty-
 three years, but still a ratbag.)
 
Mandy:	   Speak up!
Brian:	   Mum!  Sh!
Mandy:	   Well I can't hear a thing!  Let's go to the stoning.
Big-nose:  Sh!
Brian:	   You can go to a stoning any time.
Mandy:	   Oh, come on Brian!
Big-nose:  Will you be quiet?
Big-nose's wife: Don't pick your nose.
Big-nose:	 I wasn't picking my nose ...  I was scratching.
Wife:		 You were picking it while you were talking to that lady.
Big-nose:	 I wasn't.
Wife:	     Leave it alone...give it a rest...
Cheeky Man:  Do you mind?  I can't hear a word he's saying.
Wife:	     Don't you "do you mind" me...I'm talking to my husband.
Cheeky Man:  Well go and talk to him somewhere else!  I can't hear a bloody
	     thing!
Big-nose:    Don't you swear at my wife.
Cheeky Man:  I was only asking her to shut up so we can hear what he's saying,
	     Big-nose.
Wife:	     Don't you call my husband "Big-nose."
Cheeky Man:  Well he has got a big nose.
 
(Suddenly another rather well-heeled Jew in a toga turns around.  He constantly
 has trouble with his toga and has to keep pushing it back in place.  His voice
 is very cultured.  A small boy is holding a large parasol over his head.
 He is Gregory and he is out for the day with his wife.)
 
Gregory:     Could you be quiet, please?
	     (to Cheeky Man) What was that?
Cheeky Man:  I don't know...I was too busy talking to Big-nose.
Man Further Forward:  I think it was "Blessed are the Cheesemakers."
Wife:	     What's so special about the cheesemakers?
Gregory:     It's not meant to be taken literally.  Obviously it refers to any
	     manufacturers of dairy products.
Cheeky Man:  See, if you hadn't been going on, you'd have heard that, Big-nose.
Big-nose:    Hey, if you say that once more, I'll smash your fucking face in.
Cheeky Man:  Better keep listening...might be a bit about "Blessed are the big
	     noses."
Brian:	     Oh, lay off him!
Cheeky Man:  (rounding on Brian) You're not so bad yourself, Conchface.  Where
	     are you two from?	Nose City?
Big-nose:    Listen!  I said one more time...mate and I'll take you to the
	     fucking cleaners.
Wife:	     Language!	And don't pick your nose!
Big-nose:      I wasn't going to pick my nose.	I was going to thump him.
Other Person:  I think it was "Blessed are the Greek."
Gregory:       *The* Greek?
Other Person:  Apparently he's going to inherit the earth.
Gregory:       Did anyone catch his name?
Big-nose:      I'll thump him if he calls me Big-nose again.
Cheeky Man:  Oh shut up, Big-nose.
Big-nose:    Ooh!  Right!  I warned you...I really will slug you so hard...
Wife:	     Oh it's the *Meek*...blessed are the Meek!  That's nice, I'm glad
	     they're getting something, 'cause they have a hell of a time.
Cheeky Man:  Listen, I'm only telling the truth...you have got a very big nose.
Big-nose:    (trying desperately to control his anger)
	     *Your* nose is going to be three foot wide across your face when
	     I've finished with you.
Cheeky Man:  Who hit yours then?  Goliath's big brother?
Big-nose:      Oooh...oohh...aargh...ah
	       (supreme self-control)
	       That's your last warning...
Mrs. Gregory:  Oh do pipe d...
 
(Big-nose lets fly an almighty punch, but the Cheeky Man ducks and he hits Mrs.
 Gregory hard in the face.  Horrible crunching of fist on bone.  A general
 scuffle breaks out.)
 
Big-nose:  Silly bitch, getting in the way.
Mandy:	   Brian!  Come on, let's go to the stoning.
Brian:	   All right.