Title: The Tale Of Sir Galahad
            From: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
  Transcribed By: Malcolm Dickinson


     Sir Galahad, making his way through deep forest in the middle of a
     terrible thunderstorm, comes upon a dark, tall castle.  At the top of the
     tower glows a stunning image of the Holy Grail.  A wolf howls. He
     struggles to the door of the castle, upon which, while standing in the
     pouring rain, he bangs with his armored glove.

     Galahad:  Open the door!   Open the door!  In the
              name of King Arthur, open the door!

     The door creaks open, and Galahad falls onto the stone floor of the
     castle.  Looking up, he sees the faces of three young women dressed all
     in white.

       Women: Hello!  Hello!  Hello!

        Zoot: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight, to the Castle Anthrax!

     Galahad: (confused) The Castle Anthrax??

        Zoot: Yes... (disappointed) It's not a very good name, is it?
              (brightening) Oh, But *we* are nice!  And we will attend to your
              every, *every* need!

     Galahad: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

        Zoot: The what?

     Galahad: The Grail... it is here...

        Zoot: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest a while!  Midget!
               Creeper!

 Other women: Yes, Sir Zoot!

        Zoot: Prepare a *bed* for our guest.

      Others: Yes, Sir Zoot.  Thank you, Sir Zoot!  Thank you, Sir Zoot!
             Thank you

        Zoot: Away, Away, vile etessence!  (to Galahad) The beds here are
              warm and soft... And very, *very* big.

     Galahad: (protesting) Well, look, I..I, uh--

       Zoot: What is your name, handsome knight?

    Galahad: Sir Galahad.... the Chaste.

       Zoot: Mine is Zoot... just, Zoot.  Oh, but come! (starts to lead him
             upstairs)

    Galahad: No, *please*! In god's name, show me the Grail!!

       Zoot: Oh, you have suffered much!  You are delirious!

    Galahad: (urgently) No, look, I have seen it!  It is here, it--

       Zoot: Sir Galahad!  You would not be so un-gallant as to refuse our
             hospitality!

    Galahad: (pause) Well, I--I, uh....  (looks at feet, fingers edge of
              shield)

       Zoot: (leading him upstairs)  Oh... I'm afraid our life must seem very
             dull and quiet compared to yours.  We are but 8 score young
             blondes and brunettes...  all between 16 and 19-and-a-half...
             cut off in this castle with no one to protect us!  Oh...  it is a
             lonely life.  Bathing... dressing... undressing... knitting
             exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights!
             (she leads him to a bed and sits him down; he tries to get up.)
             Nay, nay, come, come!  You may lie here.  (pushes him down on the
             bed)  (seeing blood on his armour)  Oh!!  But you are wounded!

    Galahad: No, no.. i-it's nothing!

       Zoot: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately!  (he starts to get up
             and leave)  (pushing him back down) No, no, please!  Lie down.
             She claps her hands twice; two sixteen-year old girls arrive.

     Piglet: Well...  what seems to be the trouble?

    Galahad: (incredulous) They're DOCTORS?

       Zoot: Uh... they have a basic medical training, yes....Galahad once
             again tries to get up and leave.  Zoot, quite adept at it by this
             time, pushes him back down on the bed.  Oh, come, come... you
             must try to rest.  Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston; practice your
             art.  (leaves) The two girls sit on the bed and relieve Galahad
             of his shield, which he's been holding in front of him during the
             whole scene.

    Winston: *Try* to relax...

    Galahad: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?

     Piglet: We *must* examine you....  (lifts up a flap of his kilt)

    Galahad: There's nothing wrong with *that*!

    Winston: Please....  we *are* doctors.  (They begin to proceed with the
             examination when a metallic "bong" is heard from Galahad's nether
             region.  He grabs his shield and jumps out of bed.)

    Galahad: Ach!  That cannot be! I am sworn to Chastity!

    Winston: Back to your bed at once!

    Galahad: Torment me no longer!  I have seen the Grail!

     Piglet: There's no grail here...

    Galahad: I have seen it, I have seen it!  (he runs through the curtain
             into another room.)  I have--(suddenly he looks around, and
             realizes that this room is filled with young women, all in their
             nightclothes.  Some are brushing their hair, some are eating
             various sorts of suggestive fruits...  As he passes through them,
             each one whispers "Hello!". He runs out of the chamber, into a
             staircase, where he almost runs into...)  Zoot!!

       Zoot: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.

    Galahad: Oh.  Well, excuse me, I-- (starting to go by her down the stairs)

      Dingo: (standing in his way) Where are you going?

    Galahad: I seek the Grail!  I have seen it, here, in this castle!

      Dingo: (sudden realization)  No... oh, no!!  Bad, *bad* Zoot!

    Galahad: What is it?

      Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, *naughty* Zoot!  She has been setting a light to
             our beacon, which, I've just  remembered, is grail-shaped.  It's
             not the first time we've had this problem...

    Galahad: (incredibly disappointed) It's not the real Grail????!

      Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, *evil* Zoot!  (leading him back into
             the room with all the women in it)  She is a *naughty* person...
             and she must pay the penalty!  And here in Castle Anthrax, we
             have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped
             beacon: You must tie her down on a bed, and *spank* her.

     Others: A spanking, a spanking!!!

      Dingo: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may
             deal with her as you like. And then...... spank me!

     Others: And spank me!  And me!  And me!  And me!

      Dingo: Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!!

     Others: A spanking, a spanking, there's going to be a spanking tonight!!!!!

      Dingo: ...and after the spanking.... the Oral Sex!!

     Others:  (amid squeals of delight) The oral sex, the oral sex!!!

    Galahad: Well, I could stay a *bit* longer...