Title: The Swallows
            From: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
  Transcribed By: Malcolm Dickinson ( CLARINET@YALEVM.BITNET )

 
     The film begins.  Out of a dense fog trots Arthur, accompanied on two
     empty coconut halves by his trusty servant, Patsy.  They approach a
     castle.  Suddenly a guard appears atop a high rampart.
 
Guard:	Halt!  Who goes there?
Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot.
	King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!
Guard:	Who's the other one?
Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy.  We have ridden the length
	and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my
	court at Camelot.  I must speak with your lord and master.
Guard:	What, ridden on a horse?
Arthur: Yes.
Guard:	You're using coconuts!
Arthur: What?
Guard:	You've got two empty 'alves of coconuts and you're bangin' 'em
	together!
Arthur: So?    We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land.
	Through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
Guard:	Where'd you get the coconuts?
Arthur: (somewhat taken aback) We found them.
Guard:	Found them?  In Mercia?  The coconut's tropical!
Arthur: What do you mean?
Guard:	This is a temperate zone!
Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house maarten or the
	plummer may seek warmer climes in winter, but these are not strangers
	to our land!
Guard:	Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Arthur: Not at all!  They could be carried.
Guard:	(indcredulous) What, a swallow, carrying a coconut?
Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
Guard:	It's not a question of where 'e grips it!  It's a simple question of
	weight ratios!	A five-ounce bird could *not* carry a one-pound
	coconut!
Arthur: (exasperated)
	Well it doesn't matter!  Will you go and tell your master that Arthur
	from the court of Camelot is here!
 
(pause)
 
Guard:	Listen.  In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to
	beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
 
Arthur: Please!
Guard:	(patiently)   Am I right.
Arthur: I'm not interested!
 
       ( A second guard appears on the rampart. )
 
G2:	It could be carried by an African swallow!
G1:	Oh, yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow, that's
	my point.
G2:	Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
Arthur: (extremely exasperated) Will you ask your master if he wants to join
	my court at Camelot!!
 
(pause)
 
G1:	But then of course, African swallows are non-migratory.
G2:	Oh yeah...
 
(Arthur and Patsy give up and trot away)
 
G1:	So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.
G2:	Wait a minute!	Supposing *two* swallows carried it together!
G1:	Nooo..... They'd have to have it on a line...
G2:	Well, simple!  They'd just use a strand of creeper!
G1:	What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
G2:	Well, why not?