Title: Motor Insurance Sketch with a Nude Lady
Transcribed by: Brittany K
From: Monty Python's Flying Circus


(Graham Chapman, MAN, walks into an office. Seated is Michael Palin, MR. DEVIOUS, who is smoking a cigarette and reading a book. As MAN walks in, the words, "Straight Man" flashes on the screen)


DEVIOUS: What do ya want?
MAN: I have come about your special fully comprehensive motor insurance policy offer.
DEVIOUS: What was that?
MAN: Fully comprehensive motor insurance for one and 8 pence.
DEVIOUS: Oh, oh yeah yeah but unfortunately that offer is no longer valid. It's not economically viable so we now have a totally new offer.
MAN: What's that?
DEVIOUS: A nude lady.
MAN: A nude lady?!
DEVIOUS: You get a nude lady with fully comprehensive motor insurance. If you just want third party then she has to keep her bra on, if you just want theft then…
MAN: No no I don't really want that. Mr. ….uh...Mr.?
DEVIOUS: Devious.
MAN: Mr. devious I just want to know how much it would cost me to have a fully comprehensive insurance on a 1970 Astin Martin.
DEVIOUS: Astin Martin!?
MAN: Yes.
DEVIOUS: 500 quid.
MAN: 500 quid!?
DEVIOUS: 40 quid.
MAN: 40 quid.
DEVIOUS: 40 quid and a nude lady.
MAN: No I'm not interested in a nude lady.
DEVIOUS: Thirty bucks.
MAN: No no. I don't want any of that. I just want to know how much it will cost me to have a fully comprehensive insurance on a 1970 Astin martin. Can you please quote me your price?
VICAR (Eric Idle): Knock knock
DEVIOUS: Who's there?
VICAR: Reverend
DEVIOUS: The reverend who?
VICAR: The Reverend Morrison ("Another Straight Man" flash on screen)
MAN (VICAR enters): Now then Vic, what's the trouble?
VICAR: Well, it's about this letter you sent me.
MAN: Excuse me. Do I have anymore lines?
DEVIOUS: I dunno. I'll have a look at the script. (Gets out script) Let's see, show 8, are you 'MAN'?
MAN: Yeah.
DEVIOUS: No no, you're finished.
MAN: Well, I'll be off then.
DEVIOUS (reading): "The VICAR sits."
VICAR: It's about this letter you sent me regarding my insurance claim.
DEVIOUS: Well yeah, it's just that we're not as of yet, totally satisfied with the grounds of your claim.
VICAR: But it says something about filling my mouth in with cement.
DEVIOUS: That's just legal jargon you know.
VICAR: But my car hit by a lorry standing in the garage and you refuse to pay my claim.
DEVIOUS: Well, Reverend Morrison in your policy… (Gets up and starts rooting through a filing cabinet. Finds papers in a coat in the cabinet)… in your policy. Its states quite clearly that no claim you make will be paid.
VICAR: Oh dear.
DEVIOUS: You plucked for our 'never pay policy' which, uhh, which if you never claim is very worthwhile but you uh had to claim and there it is.
VICAR: Oh, dear.
DEVIOUS: It could be worse. How's the nude lady?
VICAR: Oh, she's fine (cries).
DEVIOUS: Oh, I hate to see a man cry. So, shove off, out of the office now.
(VICAR leaves and pushes a nude lady in a trolley down the corridor)

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