Monty Python's
Contractual Obligation Album
(Most checked by Gustaf Sj”blom May 1995)



SPECIAL



OFFER

Can T.G. do a

COMPACT

nice eye-catching cover

PRICE

to help it sell? E.I.







Not really worth it



	- T.J.






(Begin record sleeve.)
The Credits.

This is a genuine and
legally binding Monty Python album.
Everyone turned up (even terry Gilliam,
although only for lunch.) It was produced by
Eric Idle, ably assisted and engineered by Andr‚ Jacquemin
at Redwood Recording Studios, with the courageous assistance 
of Rob Briancourt. All musical production and arrangements
are by the admirable and relatively inexpensive Trevor Jares.
The album cover and sleeve design were by Basil Pat. The vocal
backings are by the Fred Tomlinson singers under the baton of the legendary Fred Tomlinson
This contractual obligation is now discharged.			*1980 Kay Gee Bee MusicLtd.
Horray we're free
Yipeeeee

A LEGAL OPINION
It is my legal
opinion that this
constitutes a funny
album
	-Jim Beach

Legal Note
All tracks published by
Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd. except
Sit On My Face (Francis Dayt
Hunter).'Sing as We Go' Composed
Hany Dan Davies.; Medical Love
Song (Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd/Ocean
Music Ltd.); Farewell to John Denver
(Winter Hill Music Ltd.,"Annie's Song"
composed John Denver; Bishop and
Crocodile (both ready Music)
	©1980 Charisma Records Ltd.

Special thanks to
Anne Henshaw
Denis O'Brien
and Mike (Here Comes Another One) berry.
No thanks to Warner Brothers

A Performing Dog writes:
Bow!...Bow Wow Wow...Grrrrrr! Ipso Facto! Woof,woof,woof...Arggh!...
Bow..Wow..Wow....Wow!..Sub Judice!.....Grrrr!..Woof! Woof! Woof!Woof!
And I recommend that you serve every one of those fifteen years..Next!
Woof!

It is illegal to copy this record.
(End record sleeve.)


Table of Contents

1. SIT ON MY FACE	3
2. ANNOUNCEMENT	3
3. HENRY KISSINGER	3
4. STRING	3
5. NEVER BE RUDE TO AN ARAB	4
6. I LIKE CHINESE	4
7. BISHOP	5
8. MEDICAL LOVE SONG	6
9. FAREWELL TO JOHN DENVER	7
10. FINLAND	7
11. I'M SO WORRIED	8
12. I BET YOU THEY WON'T PLAY THIS SONG ON THE RADIO	8
13. MARTYRDOM OF ST. VICTOR	9
14. HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE	9
15. BOOKSHOP	10
16. DO WHAT JOHN	12
17. ROCK NOTES	12
18. MUDDY KNEES	12
19. CROCODILE	13
20. DECOMPOSING COMPOSERS	14
21. BELLS	14
22. TRAFFIC LIGHTS	15
23. ALL THINGS DULL AND UGLY	16
24. A SCOTTISH FAREWELL	17

1. SIT ON MY FACE

Cast:
Choir: Monty Python

Choir:
Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too.
I love to hear you oralize
When I'm between your thighs
You blow me away

Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you
I'll sit on your face and let my love be truly
Life can be fine if we're both 69
If we sit on our faces at losses of places and play
'Till we're blown away


2. ANNOUNCEMENT

Cast:
Announcer: Eric Idle

Announcer: This record has been skillfully crafted by British comedians using ancient wellworn, classical handtool jokes. It 
has been specially designed to sit at the back of your record collection amongst the old Frank Sinatra albums to be brought out 
and split up when you get divorced. Any complaints about the humorous quality of this album should be addressed to British 
Airways, Ingraham's Drive, Greenwich .


3. HENRY KISSINGER

Cast:
Singer: Eric Idle

Singer:
Henry Kissinger, how I missinger
For the doctor of my dreams
---
or lots of people say that you don't care
But you've got nicer legs than Hitler
And bigger tits than Cher
Henry Kissinger, how I Missinger
and wishing you were here


4. STRING

Cast:
Adrian Wapcaplet: John Cleese
Mr. Simpson: Eric Idle

Adrian Wapcaplet: Aah, come in, come in, Mr....Simpson. Aaah, welcome to Mousebat, Follicle, Goosecreature, Ampersand, 
Spong, Wapcaplet, Looseliver, Vendetta and Prang!
Mr. Simpson: Thank you.
Adrian Wapcaplet: Do sit down--my name's Wapcaplet, Adrian Wapcaplet...
Mr. Simpson: how'd'y'do.
Wapcaplet: Now, Mr. Simpson... Simpson, Simpson... French, is it?
Mr. Simpson: No.
Adrian Wapcaplet: Aah. Now, I understand you want us to advertise your washing powder.
Mr. Simpson: String.
Adrian Wapcaplet: String, washing powder, what's the difference. We can sell *anything*.
Mr. Simpson: Good. Well I have this large quantity of string, a hundred and twenty-two thousand *miles* of it to be exact, 
which I inherited, and I thought if I advertised it--
Adrian Wapcaplet: Of course! A national campaign. Useful stuff, string, no trouble there.
Mr. Simpson: Ah, but there's a snag, you see. Due to bad planning, the hundred and twenty-two thousand miles is in three 
inch lengths. So it's not very useful.
Adrian Wapcaplet: Well, that's our selling point! "SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL STRINGETTES!"
Mr. Simpson: What?
Adrian Wapcaplet: "THE NOW STRING! READY CUT, EASY TO HANDLE, SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR 
STRINGETTES - JUST THE RIGHT LENGTH!"
Mr. Simpson: For what?
Adrian Wapcaplet: Uuuh..."A MILLION HOUSEHOLD USES!"
Mr. Simpson: Such as?
Adrian Wapcaplet: Uhmm...Tying up very small parcels, attatching notes to pigeons' legs, uh, destroying household pests...
Mr. Simpson: Destroying household pests?! How?
Adrian Wapcaplet: Well, if they're bigger than a mouse, you can strangle them with it, and if they're smaller than, you flog 
them to death with it!
Mr. Simpson: Well *surely*!....
Adrian Wapcaplet: "DESTROY NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF KNOWN HOUSEHOLD PESTS WITH PRE-SLICED, 
RUSTPROOF, EASY-TO-HANDLE, LOW CALORIE SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR STRINGETTES, FREE 
FROM ARTIFICIAL COLORING, AS USED IN HOSPITALS!"
Mr. Simpson: 'Ospitals!?!?!?!!?
Adrian Wapcaplet: Have you ever in a Hospital where they didn't have string?
Mr. Simpson: No, but it's only *string*!
Adrian Wapcaplet: ONLY STRING?! It's everything! It's...it's waterproof!
Mr. Simpson: No, it isn't!
Adrian Wapcaplet: All right, it's water resistant then!
Mr. Simpson: It, isn't!
Adrian Wapcaplet: All right, it's water absorbent! It's...Super Absorbent String! "ABSORB WATER TODAY WITH 
SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL WATER ABSORB-A-TEX STRINGETTES! AWAY WITH FLOODS!"
Mr. Simpson: You just said it was waterproof!
Adrian Wapcaplet: "AWAY WITH THE DULL DRUDGERY OF WORKADAY TIDAL WAVES! USE SIMPSON'S 
INDIVIDUAL FLOOD PREVENTERS!"
Mr. Simpson: You're mad!
Adrian Wapcaplet: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Sex, sex sex, must get sex into it. Wait, I see a television commercial - There's 
this nude woman in a bath holding a bit of your string. That's great, great, but we need a doctor, got to have a medical opinion. 
There's a nude woman in a bath with a doctor--that's too sexy. Put an archbishop there watching them, that'll take the curse 
off it. Now, we need children and animals. There's two kids admiring the string, and a dog admiring the archbishop who's 
blessing the string. Uhh...international flavor's missing...make the archbishop Greek Orthodox. Why not Archbishop 
Macarios? No, no, he's dead... never mind, we'll get his brother, it'll be cheaper... So there's archbishop Macarios, his brother 
and a doctor in the bath with this nude woman, two doctors and a dog....


5. NEVER BE RUDE TO AN ARAB

Cast:
Singer: Terry Jones

Singer:
Never be rude to an Arab,
An Isreali, or Saudi, or Jew.
Never be rude to an Irishman,
No matter what you do.

Never poke fun at a Nigger,
A Spic, or a Wop, or Kraut.
And never poke fun at ...




6. I LIKE CHINESE

Cast:
Singer: Eric Idle

Singer (spoken):The world today seems absolutely cracked. With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high. There's fools and 
idiots sitting on the trigger. It's depressing, and it's senseless, and that's why...

Singer (singing):
I like chinese,
I like chinese,
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they're always friendly and they're ready to to please.

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
There's nine hundred million of them in the world today,
You'd better learn to like them, that's what I say.

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
They come from a long way overseas,
But they're cute, and they're cuddly, and they're ready to please.

I like chinese food,
The waiters never are rude,
Think of the many things they've done to impress,
There's maoism, taoism, eging and chess.

So, I like chinese,
I like chinese,
I like their tiny little trees,
Their zen, their ping-pong, their ying and yang-eze.

I like chinese thought,
The wisdom that Confucius taught,
If Darwin is anything to shout about,
The chinese will survive us all without any doubt.

So, I like chinese,
I like chinese,
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they're wise, and they're witty, and they're ready to please.

Singer: All together!

Chinese Choir:
Wo, I chumba run,
Wo, I chumba run,
Wo, I chumba run,
Ne hamma, Ne hamma, Ne hamma chi chen.

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
Their food is guaranteed to please,
A fourteen, a seven, a nine and li-chese

I like chinese, 
I like chinese, 
I like their tiny little trees,
Their zen, their ping-pong, their ying and yang-eze

Singer and Chinese Man (with a sqeaky voice):
I like chinese,
I like chinese,
They only come up to your knees
(fade out....)


7. BISHOP

Cast:
Bishop of Leicester: Michael Palin
Recording Coordinator: John Cleese
Man I: Eric Idle
Man II: Graham Chapman

Bishop of Leicester: It is the dawn of time. This earth we know so well is a smoldering, inhospitable place. No plants grow, 
no creature can survive. The hard, uncrackable rocks that form our mountain ranges our being crushed and folded by forces 
that will take millions of years to shape. These are the forces! This is the power that drives the hand that drinks "Treadmill", 
the mighty lager, with the world's first great taste of fish!
Recording Coordinator: Bishop, don't say "of fish".
Bishop of Leicester: Uhm?
Recording Coordinator: Don't say "of fish" in the end. It doesn't mean anything.
Bishop of Leicester: Ah, no, I see, fine. No "of fish". Right!
Recording Coordinator: Just go from "these are the forces".
Bishop of Leicester: Right.
Recording Coordinator: I'll give you a green.
Bishop of Leicester: What?
Recording Coordinator: I'll give you a green light.
Bishop of Leicester: Oh, right, thank you! (Music starts again) These are the forces! This is the power that drives the band 
that drinks...
Recording Coordinator: Hand!
Bishop of Leicester: Of course! Sorry! Sorry! Can't think what came over me!
Recording Coordinator: Well, start again.
Bishop of Leicester: What?
Recording Coordinator: Well, start again, bishop. Same place.
Bishop of Leicester: Oh, right. These are the forces! This is the power that drives the hand that drinks "Treadmill", the 
mighty lager, with the world's first great taste of fish! Oh, damn! Sorry! Sorry!
Recording Coordinator: All right, just a moment.
Bishop of Leicester: I'm terribly sorry, I remembered the hand, but forgot the...
Recording Coordinator: Yes, yes, that's all right. John, can we edit out the "of fish"?
John: Yeah.
Recording Coordinator: Good. That's fine, thank you, bishop.
Bishop of Leicester: All right, is it? Good! Terribly sorry about the silly slip. I don't know what came over me.
Man I: Who is he? (In a low voice)
Man II: Bishop of Leicester, I think. (In a low voice too)
Man I: Well, why couldn't we get Bath and Wells?
Man II: He's doing frozen peas for Nigel.
Man I: Lucky bastard! He's so good.
Man II: Have you seen the Bishop of Wooster? Marvellous! He did an entire Snippety Dippedy gift catalog promo on one 
ski!
Man I: Really? Sshh! Here she comes!
Bishop of Leicester: Ah, how was it? All right?
Man I: Marvellous!
Man II: Excellent!
Bishop of Leicester: --- a bit of a mess.
Man I: Sorry?
Bishop of Leicester: Well, all that stuff about the dawn of time and the rocks developing over millions of years, you know, 
not quite A-1 theory without, you know?
Man I: It's only a commercial
Bishop of Leicester: Oh, yes, yes, of course, course, I'm not criticizing, it's just, uhm, well...I mean, uh, not quite the 
Creations we see it...
Man I: Well, good-bye.
Bishop of Leicester: Good, good, fine, and the...and the cheque will be...
Man I: ...with your agent on Tuesday.
Bishop of Leicester: Marvellous! Marvellous! Thank you so much! Oh, and sorry about the "of fish", huh! You'd be able to 
move that away, will you?
Man I: Yes, we can move that.
Bishop of Leicester: Oh, good. Wonderful what you can do nowadays, eh?
Man I: Yes, indeed!
Bishop of Leicester: Well, toodebay!


8. MEDICAL LOVE SONG

Cast:
Singer: Graham Chapman
Man: ---
Se¤or Baresby: ---

Man: The doctors are here, Se¤or Baresby.
Se¤or Baresby: Oh, t‚rrifique.

Singer:
Inflammation of the foreskin
Reminds me of your smile
I've had balanital chancroids
For quite a little while
I gave my heart to NSU
That lovely night in June
I ache for you, my darling,
And I hope you'll get well soon

My penile warts, your herpes,
My syphilitic sore,
Your monilial infection
How I miss you more and more
Your *dobies itch my *scrum-pox
Ah, lovely gonorrhea
At least we both were lying
When we said that we were clear

My clapped-out genitalia
Is not so bad for me
As the complete and utter failure
Every time I try to pee
I'm dying from your love, my love,
I'm your spirochetal clown
I've left my body to science,
But I'm afraid they've turned it down

Singer and Choir:
Gonococcal urethritis
Streptococcal balanitis
Meningomyelitis
*Diplococcal *catholitis
Epidydimitis
Interstitial keratitis
Syphilitic coronitis
And anterior *ureitis.


9. FAREWELL TO JOHN DENVER

Cast:
Newscaster: Graham Chapman

Newscaster: The item which follows has been omitted on legal advice. (Long Pause) Uhm, once again we apologize for that 
pause in the record which was ... original item being omitted on legal advice. However, I'm pleased to say we can now go on 
with the record, so here we are with Finland, Finland!

10. FINLAND

Cast:
Singer: Michael Palin
Announcer: Graham Chapman

Singer:
Finland, Finland, Finland, the country where I want to be
Pony trekking or camping or just watching TV
Finland, Finland, Finland, it's the country for me
Yes only to Russia, so far from Japan
Quite a long way from Cairo, lots of miles from Vietnam
Finland, Finland, Finland, the country where I want to be
Eat breakfast or dinner or snacklunch in the hall
Finland, Finland, Finland, Finland has it all
You're so sadly neglected and often ignored
A mere second to Belgium when going abroad
Finland, Finland, Finland, the country where I quite want to be
Your mountains so lofty, your treetops so tall
Finland, Finland, Finland, Finland has it all
--- !
Finland, Finland, Finland, the country where I quite want to be
Your mountains so lofty, your treetops so tall
Finland, Finland, Finland, Finland has it all
Finland, Finland, Finland, Finland has it all

Announcer: If you've enjoyed hearing this song, and would like to know more about Finland, why not ring Mr. Griffiths of --- 
Hempstead. He and his charming wife Edna would be glad to answer any of your questions and who knows, may show you 
some of their unrivaled collection of Scandinavian credit cards.


11. I'M SO WORRIED

Cast:
Singer: Terry Jones

Singer:
I'm so worried about what's happenin' today, in the Middle East, you know.
And I'm so worried about the baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.
I'm so worried about the fashions today, I don't think they're good for your feet.
And I'm so worried about the shows on TV that sometimes they want to repeat.

I'm so worried about what's happened today, you know.
And I'm worried about the baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.
I'm so worried about my hair falling out and the state of the world today.
And I'm so worried about bein' so full of doubt about everything, anyway.

I'm so worried about modern technology.
I'm so worried about all the things that they dump in the sea.
I'm so worried about it, worried about it, worried, worried, worried.

I'm so worried about everything that can go wrong.
I'm so worried about whether people like this song.
I'm so worried about this very next verse, it isn't the best that I've got.
And I'm so worried about whether I should go on, or whether I should just stop.

(pause)

I'm worried about whether I ought to have stopped.
And I'm worried because, it's the sort of thing I ought to know.
And I'm so worried about the baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.

(longer pause)

I'm so worried about whether I should have stopped then.
I'm so worried that I'm driving everyone 'round the bend.
I'm worried about the baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.


12. I BET YOU THEY WON'T PLAY THIS SONG ON THE RADIO

Cast:
Singer: Michael Palin

Singer:
I bet you they won't play this song on the radio
I bet you they won't play this new [ ] song
It's not that it's [ ] or [ ] controversial
Just that the [ ]-ing words are awfully strong
You can't say [ ] on the radio or [ ] or [ ] or [ ]
You can't even say I'd like to [ ] you someday
Unless you're a doctor with a very large [ ]
I bet you they won't play this song on the radio
I bet you they daren't [ ]-ing well program it
I bet you the [ ]-ing old program directors
Will think it's a load of horse[ ]


13. MARTYRDOM OF ST. VICTOR
Cast:
Storyteller: Michael Palin

Storyteller: And it came to pass that Saint Victor was taken from this place to another place, where he was lain upon pillows 
of silk and made himself to rest himself amongst sheets of muslin and velvet. And there stroked was he by maidens of the 
Orient. For sixteen days and nights stroked they him, yea verily and caressed him. His hair, ruffled they. And their fingers 
rubbethed they in oil of olives, and runneth them across all parts of his body for as much as to soothe him. And the soles of 
his feet licked they. And the upper parts of his thigh did they anoint with the balm of forbidden trees. And with the teeth of 
their mouths, nibbleth they the pointed bits at the top of his ears. Yea verily, and did their tongues thereof make themselves 
acquainted with his most secret places. For fifteen days and nights did Victor withstand these maidens, but on the sixteenth 
day he cried out, saying: "This...is fantastic! Oh...this is terrific!" And the Lord did hear the cry of Victor. And verily came 
He down and slew the maidens. And caused their cottonwool bugs to blow away, and their Kleenex to be laid waste utterly. 
And Victor, in his anguish, cried out that the Lord was a rotten bastard. So the Lord sent an angel to comfort Victor for the 
weekend. And entered they together the jaccuzzi. Here endeth the lesson


14. HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE

Cast:
Singer: John Cleese
Advisor: Michael Palin

Singer:
Here comes another one
Here it comes again
Here comes another one
When will it ever end?
I know what Evan is
I've not seen one before
But here comes another one
And here comes a Budgyman
But here comes another one
Thank not I'm not a luncheon

Singer: That's it, is it?
Advisor: Obviously, it would be better with a full orchestra
Singer: Yes, yes, I suppose it would.

(Violent, boombastic music starts playing)

Singer:
Here comes another one
Here it comes again
Here comes another one
When will it ever end?

(Music slows)

Singer:
Here comes another one
Here it comes again
Here comes another one
When will it ever end?


15. BOOKSHOP
 
Cast:
Customer: Graham Chapman
Proprietor: John Cleese

Customer: (entering the bookshop) Good morning.
Proprietor: Good morning, sir. Can I help you?
Customer: Er, yes. Do you have a copy of "Thirty Days in the Samarkand Desert with the Duchess of Kent" by A. E. J. 
Eliott, O.B.E.?
Proprietor: Ah, well, I don't know the book, sir....
Customer: Er, never mind, never mind.	How about "A Hundred and One Ways to Start a Fight"?
Proprietor: ...By?
Customer: An Irish gentleman whose name eludes me for the moment.
Proprietor: Ah, no, well, we haven't got it in stock, sir....
Customer: Oh, well, not to worry, not to worry. Can you help me with "David Coperfield"?
Proprietor: Ah, yes, Dickens.
Customer: No....
Proprietor: (pause) I beg your pardon?
Customer: No, Edmund Wells.
Proprietor: I... *think* you'll find Charles Dickens wrote "David Copperfield", sir....
Customer: No, no, Dickens wrote "David Copperfield" with *two* Ps. This is "David Coperfield" with *one* P by Edmund 
Wells.
Proprietor: "David Coperfield" with one P?
Customer: Yes, I should have said.
Proprietor: Yes, well in that case we don't have it.
Customer: (peering over counter) Funny, you've got a lot of books here....
Proprietor: (slightly perturbed) Yes, we do, but we don't have "David Coperfield" with one P by Edmund Wells.

------------------Detta finns inte p† min CD!!!------------------------
Customer: Pity, it's more thorough than the Dickens.
Proprietor: More THOROUGH?!?
Customer: Yes...I wonder if it might be worth a look through all your "David Copper- field"s...
Proprietor: No, sir, all our "David Copperfield"s have two P's.
-----------------------------------------------

Customer: Are you quite sure?
Proprietor: Quite.
Customer: Not worth just looking?
Proprietor: Definitely not.
Customer: Oh...how 'bout "Grate Expectations"?
Proprietor: Yes, well we have that....
Customer: That's "G-R-A-T-E Expectations," also by Edmund Wells.
Proprietor: (pause) Yes, well in that case we don't have it. We don't have anything by Edmund Wells, actually: he's not very 
popular.
Customer: Not "Knickerless Knickleby"? That's K-N-I-C-K-E-R-L-E-S-S.
Proprietor: (taciturn) No.
Customer: "Khristmas Karol" with a K?
Proprietor: (really quite perturbed) No....
Customer: Er, how about "A Sale of Two Titties"?
Proprietor: DEFINITELY NOT.
Customer: (moving towards door) Sorry to trouble you....
Proprietor: Not at all....
Customer: Good morning.
Proprietor: Good morning.
Customer: (turning around) Oh!
Proprietor: (deep breath) Yesss?
Customer: I wonder if you might have a copy of "Rarnaby Budge"?
Proprietor: No, as I say, we're right out of Edmund Wells!
Customer: No, not Edmund Wells - Charles Dikkens.
Proprietor: (pause - eagerly) Charles Dickens??
Customer: Yes.
Proprietor: (excitedly) You mean "Barnaby Rudge"!
Customer: No, "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens. That's Dikkens with two Ks, the well-known Dutch author.
Proprietor: (slight pause) No, well we don't have "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens with two Ks, the well-known Dutch 
author, and perhaps to save time I should add that we don't have "Karnaby Fudge" by Darles Chickens, or "Farmer of Sludge" 
by Marles Pickens, or even "Stickwick Stapers" by Farles Wickens with four M's and a silent Q!!!!! Why don't you try W. 
H. Smith's?
Customer: Ah did, They sent me here.
Proprietor: DID they.
Customer: Oh, I wonder...
Proprietor: Oh, do go on, please.
Customer: Yes...I wonder if you might have "The Amazing Adventures of Captain Gladys Stoutpamphlet and her Intrepid 
Spaniel Stig Amongst the Giant Pygmies of Beckles"...volume eight.
Proprietor: (after a pause for recovery) No, we don't have that...funny, we've got a lot of books here...well, I musn't keep you 
standing here...thank you,--
Customer: Oh, well do, do you have--
Proprietor: No, we haven't. No, we haven't.
Customer: B-b-b-but--
Proprietor: Sorry, no, it's one o'clock now, we're | closing for lunch--
Customer: Ah, I--I saw it--
Proprietor: I'm sorry--
Customer: I saw it over there! I saw it...
Proprietor: What? What? WHAT?!?
Customer: I saw it over there: "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds".
Proprietor: (pause; trying to stay calm) "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds"?
Customer: Yes...
Proprietor: O-L-S-E-N?
Customer: Yes....
Proprietor: B-I-R-D-S??
Customer: Yes.....
Proprietor: (beat) Yes, well, we do have that, as a matter of fact....
Customer: The expurgated version....
Proprietor: (pause; politely) I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that...?
Customer: The expurgated version.
Proprietor: (exploding) The EXPURGATED version of "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds"?!
Customer: (desperately) The one without the gannet!
Proprietor: The one without the gannet-!!! They've ALL got the gannet!! It's a Standard British Bird, the gannet, it's in all the 
books!!!
Customer: (insistent) Well, I don't like them...they wet their nests.
Proprietor: (furious) All right! I'll remove it!! (rrrip!) Any other birds you don't like?!
Customer: I don't like the robin...
Proprietor: (screaming) The robin! Right! The robin! (rrrip!) There you are, any others you don't like, any others?
Customer: The nuthatch?
Proprietor: Right! (flipping through the book) The nuthatch, the nuthatch, the nuthatch, 'ere we are! (rrriiip!) There you are! 
NO gannets, NO robins, NO nuthatches, THERE's your book!
Customer: (indignant) I can't buy that! It's torn!
Proprietor: (incoherent noise)
Customer: Ah, I wonder if you have--
Proprietor: God, ask me anything!! We got lots of books here, you know, it's a bookshop!!
Customer: Er, how 'bout "Biggles Combs his Hair"?
Proprietor: No, no, we don't have that one, funny!
Customer: "The Gospel According to Charley Drake"?
Proprietor: No, no, no, try me again!
Customer: Ah...oh, I know! "Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying".
Proprietor: No, no, no, no, no,...What?	WHAT??????
Customer: "Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying".
Proprietor: "Ethel the Aa--" YES!!!YES!!! WE'VE GOT IT!! (throwing books wildly about) I-I've seen it somewhere!!! I 
know it!!! Hee hee hee hee hee!!! Ha ha hoo ho---WAIT!! WAIT!! Is it?? Is it??? (triumphant) YES!!!!!! Here we are, "Ethel 
the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying"!!!!! There's your book!! (throwing it down) Now, BUY IT!!!
Customer: (quickly) I don't have enough money.
Proprietor: (desperate) I'll take a deposit!
Customer: I don't have ANY money!
Proprietor: I'll take a check!!
Customer: I don't have a checkbook!
Proprietor: I've got a blank one!!
Customer: I haven't got a bank account!!
Proprietor: RIGHT!!!! I'll buy it FOR you! (ring) There we are, there's your change, there's some money for a taxi on the way 
home, there's your book, now, now..
Customer: Wait, wait, wait!
Proprietor: What? What?!? WHAT?!? WHAT???!!
Customer: I can't read!!!
Proprietor: (staggeringly long pause; very quietly) You can't...read. (pause) RIGHT!!! Sit down!! Sit!! Sit! Sit down!! Are 
you sitting comfortably??? Right!!! (opens book) "Ethel the Aardvark was hopping down the river valley one lovely 
morning..." (fade out)


16. DO WHAT JOHN

Cast:
Choir: The Fred Tomlinson Singers

Choir:
Do what John, do what John
Come again, do what
Do what John, do what John
Do what, do what, do what
Do where John, Do where John
---
Do what John, do what John
Come again, do what
Do what John, do what John
Do what, do what, do what
Do where John, Do where John
---


17. ROCK NOTES

Cast:
Newscaster: Eric Idle

Newscaster: Rex Stardust, lead electric triangle with Toad the Wet Sprocket has had to have an elbow removed following their 
recent successful worldwide tour of Finland. Flamboyant ambidextrous Rex apparently fell off the back of a motorcycle. "Fell 
off the back of a motorcyclist, most likely," quipped ace drummer Jumbo McCluney upon hearing of the accident. Plans are 
already afoot for a major tour of Iceland. Divorced after only eight minutes, popular television singing star, Charisma, changed 
her mind on the way out of the registry office, when she realized she had married one of the Donkeys by mistake. The 
evening before in L.A.'s glittering nightspot, the Abitoir, she had proposed to drummer Reg Abbot of Blind Drunk, after a 
whirlwind romance and a knee-trembler. But when the hangover lifted, it was Keith Sly of the Donkeys who was on her arm 
in the registry office. Keith, who was too ill to notice, remained unsteady during the short ceremony and when asked to 
exchange vows, began to recite names and addresses of people who also used the stuff. Charisma spotted the error as Keith 
was being carried into the wedding ambulance and became emotionally upset. However, the mistake was soon cleared up, and 
she stayed long enough to consummate their divorce. Dead Monkeys are to split up again, according to their manager, Lefty 
Goldblatt. They've been in the business now ten years, nine as othergroups. Originally the Dead Salmon, they became for a 
while, Trout. Then Fried Trout, then Poached Trout In A White Wine Sauce, and finally, Herring. Splitting up for nearly a 
month, they re-formed as Red Herring, which became Dead Herring for a while, and then Dead Loss, which reflected the 
current state of the group. Splitting up again to get their heads together, they reformed a fortnight later as Heads Together, a 
tight little name which lasted them through a difficult period when their drummer was suspected of suffering from death. It 
turned out to be only a rumor and they became Dead Together, then Dead Gear, which lead to Dead Donkeys, Lead Donkeys, 
and the inevitable split up. After nearly ten days, they reformed again as Sole Manier, then Dead Sole, Rock Cod, Turbot, 
Haddock, White Baith, the Places, Fish, Bream, Mackerel, Salmon, Poached Salmon, Poached Salmon In A White Wine Sauce, 
Salmon-monia, and Helen Shapiro. This last name, their favorite, had to be dropped following an injunction and they split up 
again. When they reformed after a recordbreaking two days, they ditched the fishy references and became Dead Monkeys, a 
name which they stuck with for the rest of their careers. Now, a fortnightlater, they've finally split up.
Telephone: [Ring]
Newscaster: Uh-oh. Hello.
Man: Hello.
Newscaster: Yes?
Man: What do you think of Dead Duck?
Newscaster: What do I think of Dead Duck?
Man: Or Lobster?
Newscaster: Lobster...?


18. MUDDY KNEES

Cast:
Singer: Graham Chapman

Singer:
Muddy knees have got me on a quiver
Muddy knees have got me all aglow
Muddy knees have sent me for a paper
To a newsagent here I know

Muddy knees have got me on a quiver
Muddy knees have got me all aglow
Muddy knees have sent me for a paper
To a newsagents near here that I know

Muddy knees have got me on a quiver
Muddy knees have got me all aglow
Muddy knees have sent me for a paper
To a newsagents near here that I know

Them muddy knees
Them muddy knees
Them muddy knees
Them muddy knees
Them muddy knees
Them muddy knees
Them muddy knees
Them muddy knees
Them muddy knees
Them muddy knees
Them muddy knees


19. CROCODILE

Cast:
Newscaster: Eric Idle
Brian Goebbels: Terry Jones
Newscaster II: Michael Palin
Barry Loothesom: Eric Idle
Sergeant Major Harold Duke: Terry Jones
Gavin Morolowe: Michael Palin

(Background music: Sportscast intro)
Newscaster: And right now it's time for athletics, and over to Brian Goebbels in Paris.
Brian Goebells: Hello, well you join us here in Paris just a few minutes before the start of today's big event: the final of the 
Men's-Being-Eaten-By-A-Crocodile event. I'm standing now by the crocodile pit where-AAAAAAHHHHH!

(FX: Crocodiles eating, French exclamations and sirens)

Newscaster II: Ah. Well I'm afraid that we've lost Brian Goebbels, so while they're...they're sorting that out, we have a report 
from Barry Loothesom in Lughtborrow on the British preparations for this most important event.
Barry Loothesom: Here at Lughtborrow are the five young men chosen last week to be eaten by a crocodile for Britain this 
summer. Obviously, the most important part of the event is the opening 60 yard sprint towards the crocs. And twenty-two 
year old Nottingham schoolteacher Gavin Watterlow is rated by some not only the fastest but also the tastiest British morsel 
since Barry Gordon got a bronze at Helsinki. In charge of the team is Sergeant Major Harold Duke.
Sergeant Major Harold Duke: Aww, well, you not only got to get in that pit first, you gotta get EATEN first. When you land 
in front of your croc, and 'e opens his mouth, I wanna see you right in there. Rub your 'ead up against 'is taste buds. And 
when those teeth bite into your flesh, use the perches to thrust yourself DOWN his throat...
Barry Loothesom: Duke's trained every British team since 1928, and it's his blend of gymnastic knowhow, reptilian expertise 
and culinary skill that's turned many an un-appetizing novice into a crocodilic banquet.
Duke: Well, our chefs have been experimenting for many years to find a sauce most likely to tempt the crocodile. In the past, 
we've concentrated on a fish based --- sauce, but this year, we are reverting to a simple bernaise.
Barry Loothesom: The British team are worried because Olympic regulations allow only the competitor's heads to be sauced. 
Gavin Morolowe...
Gavin Morolowe: Yes, well, I mean, (clears throat) you know, four years ago, everyone knew the Italians were coating the 
insides of their legs with bolinaise, the Russians have been marinating themselves, One of the Germans, Biolek, was caught 
actually putting, uh, remolarde down his shorts. And the Finns were using tomato flavoured running shoes. Uh, I think there 
should either be unrestricted garnishing, or a single, Olympic standard mayonnaise.
Barry Loothesom: Gavin, does it ever worry you that you're actually going to be chewed up by a bloody, grey crocodile?
Gavin Morolowe: The only thing that worries me, Jim, is being the first one down that gully.
Barry Loothesom: Well, the way things are going here at Lughtborrow, it looks as though Britan could easily pick up a place 
in the first seven hundred. But nothing's predictable in this tough, harsh, highly competitive world where today's champion is 
tomorrow's crocodile shit. And back to you, in the studio, Norman.


20. DECOMPOSING COMPOSERS

Cast:
Singer: Michael Palin

[Canon in D major - Johann Pachelbel (1653-1706)]

Singer: Right-ho, darling, yeah, I'm gonna be about 8:30. Nah, I'm not gonna buy it

Singer:
Beethoven's gone, but his music lives on,
And Mozart don't go shopping no more.
You'll never meet Lizst or Brahms again,
And Elgar doesn't answer the door.

Schubert and Chopin used to chuckle and laugh,
Whilst composing a long symphony.
But one hundred and fifty years later,
There's very little of them left to see.

The decomposing composers,
There's nothing much anyone can do.
You can still hear Beethoven,
But Beethoven cannot hear you.

[Symphony No. 5 in C minor, Op. 67 - Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)]

Handel and Haydn and Rachmaninoff
Enjoyed a nice drink with their meal.
But nowadays no one will serve them,
And their gravy is left to congeal.

Verdi and Wagner delighted the crowds
With their highly original sounds.
The pianos they play are still working,
But they're both six feet underground.

The decomposing composers,
There's less of them every year.
You can say what you like to Debussy
But there's not much of them left to hear.

Singer: Claude Akil Debussy. Died, 1918. Christof Viliborg Kralk. Died, 1787. Carl Maria von Weber. Not at all well, 1825. 
Died, 1826.

[Swan Lake - Peter Tchaikovsky]

Singer: Giacommo Meiabier. Still alive, 1863. Not still alive, 1864. Modest Mussorgsky. 1880, going to parties.

[---]

Singer: No fun anymore, 1881. Johann Neopok Hummel. Chattin' away 19 'an a dozen with his mates down at the Pub every 
evenin', 1836. 1837, nothing.


21. BELLS

Cast:
Husband: Graham Chapman
Wife: Terry Jones

(Sound: Church bells, lots of them, ringing.)

Husband: I wish those bloody bells would stop.
Wife: Oh, it's quite nice dear, it's Sunday, it's the church.
Husband: What about us atheists? Why should we 'ave to listen to that sectarian turmoil?
Wife: You're a lapsed atheist, dear.
Husband: The principle's the same. Bleedin' C.V.! The Mohmedans don't come 'round here wavin' bells at us! We don't get 
Buddhists playing bagpipes in our bathroom! Or Hindus harmonizing in the hall! The Shintoists don't come here shattering 
sheet glass in the shithouse, and shouting slogans-
Wife: All right, don't practice your alliteration on me.
Husband: Anyway, when I membership card and blazer badge back from the League of Agnostics, I shall urge the executive to 
lodge a protest against that religious racket! Pass the butter knife!
Wife: WHAT??
Husband: PASS THE BUTTER KNIFE!! (pause) THANK YOU! IF ONLY WE HAD SOME KIND OF MISSILE!
Wife: 'OLD ON, I'LL CLOSE THE WINDOW.
Husband: WHAT?!
Wife: I SAID, I'LL CLOSE THE WINDOW!

(Sound: Window closing, bells get faint, but are still there)

Husband: If only we had some kind of missile, we could take the steam out of those bells.
Wife: Well, you could always use the number 14 - The-St. Joseph-the-somewhat-divine-on-the-hill ballistic missile. It's in the 
attic.
Husband: What ballistic missile would this be, then?

(Sound: Bells begin to get increasingly louder)

Wife: I made it for you, it's your birthday present!
Husband: Just what I wanted, 'ow nice of you to remember, my pet. 'ERE!
Wife: WHAT?
Husband: THOSE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER!
Wife: WHAT?
Husband: THOSE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER!!
Wife: THE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER! OOOH, LOOK!
Husband: WHAT?
Wife: THE CHURCH, IT... ITS COMING CLOSER! ITS COMING DOWN THE 'ILL!
Husband: WHAT A LIBERTY!
Wife: ITS TURNING INTO OUR LANE! 
Husband: Straight through the lights of cause!
Wife: TYPICAL, WELL, YOU BETTER GO PUT IT OUT OF IT'S MISERY.
Husband: WHERE'S THIS MISSILE, THEN?
Wife: IT'S IN THE ATTIC. PRESS THE BUTTON MARKED CHURCH!
Husband: 'OW DO I AIM IT?
Wife: OH; IT AUTOMATICALLY HOMES IN ON THE NEAREST PLACE OF WORSHIP!
Husband: BUT THAT'S ST. MARKS!
Wife: IT ISN'T NOW, LOOK!! OH, ITS OP'NING THE GATE.
Husband: WHAT? USE THE MEGAPHONE!
Wife: IT'S OP'NING THE GATE!! 
Husband: OH, POP UP THE AIRING CUPBOARD!
Wife: 'HURRY UP, ITS TRAMPLING OVER THE AZALIAS!

(Sound: Missle launch, explosion, bells diminish)

Husband: Did I 'it it?
Wife: Yes, right up the aisle.
Husband: Well, I've always said, There's nothing an agnostic can't do if he really doesn't know whether he believes in anything 
or not.


22. TRAFFIC LIGHTS

Cast:
Singer: John Cleese

Singer:
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
No matter where they've been
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
But only when they're green

Man and Choir:
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
No matter where they've been
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
But only when they're green

Singer:
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
That is what I said
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
But not when they are red

Man and Choir:
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
That is what he said
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
But not when they are red

Singer:
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
Although my name's not Bamber
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I...

Singer: ...oh, God.


23. ALL THINGS DULL AND UGLY

Children's Choir:
All things dull and ug-ly,
All creatures, short and squat,
All things rude and na-sty,
The Lord God made the lot.

Each little snake that poisons,
Each little wasp that stings,
He made their prudish venom,
He made their horrid wings.

All things sick and cancerous,
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous,
The Lord God made them all.

Each nasty little hornet,
Each beastly little squid,
Who made the spiky urchin?
Who made the sharks? He did!

All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.

Amen.


24. A SCOTTISH FAREWELL

Cast:
Scottish Singer: John Cleese

(Bagpipe Music)

Scottish Singer:
Herrre comes another one!

(Techno Music, then explosion)

Sida: 3
 	Ingraham's Drive, Greenwhich?
Sida: 5
 Eging? va?!

Sida: 5
 	Confucius Kung-Fu-Tzu or Kung-tzu 551-479 B.C. Chinese philosopher
Sida: 5
 li-chese?
Sida: 7
 *=os„kert
Sida: 10
 	Customer: Graham Chapman
	Proprietor: John Cleese