Title: Buying a Bed
            From: Monty Python's Flying Circus
  Transcribed By: Jonathan Partington
       Edited By: Bret Shefter

 
Husband (Terry Jones):	Hello, my wife and I would like to buy a bed, please.
Mr Lambert (Graham Chapman): Certainly sir, I'll get someone to help you.
Wife (Carol Cleveland): Thank you.
Lambert: Mr Verity!
Mr Verity (Eric Idle): Can I help you, sir?
Husband:  Yes, we'd like a bed, a double bed, and I wondered if you'd got one
	  for about fifty pounds.
Verity:   Oh no, I'm afraid not, sir.  Our cheapest bed is eight hundred
	  pounds, sir.
Husband & Wife: Eight hundred pounds?
Lambert: Excuse me, sir, but before I go, I ought to have told you that Mr
	 Verity does tend to exaggerate.  Every figure he gives you will be
	 ten times too high.
Husband: I see.
Lambert: Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Husband: I see. Er... your cheapest double bed then is eighty pounds?
Verity:  Eight hundred pounds, yes, sir.
Husband: I see. And how wide is it?
Verity:  It's sixty feet wide.
Husband: Yes...
Wife:	 (whispers) Sixty feet!
Husband: (whispers) Six foot wide, you see.
Wife:	 (whispers) Oh.
Husband: ...and the length?
Verity:  The length is ...  er ...  just a moment.  Mr Lambert, what is the
	 length of the Comfidown Majorette?
Lambert: Ah. Two foot long.
Husband: Two foot long?
Verity:  Yes, remembering of course that you have to multiply everything Mr
	 Lambert says by three.  It's nothing he can help, you understand.
	 Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Husband: I see, I'm sorry.
Verity:  But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot long, it is in
	 fact sixty foot long, all right?
Husband: Yes, I see.
Verity:  That's without the mattress, of course.
Husband: How much is that?
Verity:  Er, Mr Lambert will be able to tell you that.	Lambert!  Could you
	 show these twenty good people the dog kennels, please?
Husband: Dog kennels? No, no, the mattresses!
Verity:  I'm sorry, you have to say 'dog kennel' to Mr Lambert, because if you
	 say 'mattress' he puts a bucket* over his head.  I should have
	 explained.  Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Husband: Oh. Ah. I see.  Er, excuse me, could you show us the dog kennels,
	 please, hm?
Lambert: Dog kennels?
Husband: Yes, we want to look at the dog kennels, hm.
Lambert: Ah yes, well that's the pets' department, second floor.
Husband: No, no, no, we want to see the DOG KENNELS.
Lambert  (irritated): Yes, second floor.
Husband: No, we don't want to see dog kennels, it's just that Mr Verity said
	 that...
Lambert: Oh dear, what's he been telling you now?
Husband: Well, he said we should say 'dog kennels' instead of saying
	 'mattresses'.
 
(Lambert puts bucket on his head)
 
Husband: Oh dear. Hello? Hello? Hello?
Verity:  (approaching) Did you say 'mattress'?
Husband: Well, yes, er...
Lambert: (muffled) I'm not coming out!
Verity:  I did *ask* you not to say 'mattress', didn't I?
Husband: But I mean, er...
Lambert: (muffled) I'm not!
Husband: Oh.
Verity:  Now I've got to get him to the fish tank and sing.
Husband: Oh.
Verity:  (sings) And did those feet, in ancient time...
Another assistant (John Cleese): (walking up, hearing the singing) Oh dear,
				 did somebody say mattress to Mr Lambert?
Husband: Yes, I did.
(Assistant gives nasty look at Husband)
Verity:  (still singing) ...walk upon England's mountains green...
(Assistant joins in)	 ...and was the Holy Lamb of God...
 
(Lambert removes bucket; Verity and Assistant immediately stop singing;
assistant leaves.)
 
Verity:  He should be all right now, but don't...you know...*don't*!
Husband: No, no.  (to Lambert) Excuse me, could we see the dog kennels please?
Lambert  (irritated): Yes, pets department, second floor.
Husband: No, no, no. Those dog kennels, like that. You see?
Lambert: Mattresses?
Husband: (relieved) Yes.
Lambert: But if you want a mattress, why not say 'mattress'?
Husband: (nervously) Ha ha, I mean...
Lambert: I mean, it's a little confusing for me when you say 'dog kennel' if
	 you want a mattress.  Why not just say 'mattress'?
Husband: But you put a bucket over your head last time we said 'mattress'.
 
(Lambert puts the bucket over his head again)
 
Verity: (running on the scene again) Oh dear! (sings) And did those feet...
Assistant:  (to Husband) We *did* ask!
		  (duet) ...in ancient times,
			 walk upon England's mountains green...
 
(singing continues throughout the next few lines of dialogue)
 
Yet another assistant (Michael Palin): (running in)
				     Did somebody say 'mattress' to Mr Lambert?
 
(Cleese points angrily towards the Husband and Wife)
 
Verity: *Twice*!
Other Assistant: (shouting throughout the store) Hey, everybody!  Somebody
		 said 'mattress' to Mr Lambert -- *twice*!
		 (joins in the singing)
 
(Organ music swells and they carry on singing)
 
Verity: It's not working, we need more!
 
(The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir begins to sing in the background. Sounds
 of water splashing; eventually Lambert removes the bucket again and they stop
 singing)
 
Lambert: I'm sorry, can I help you?
Wife:	 (brightly) We want a mattress!
 
(Lambert puts the bucket over his head again. Verity, husband and assistants
 all groan and glare accusingly at wife)
 
Wife:	 But it's my only line!!!