Title: Argument Sketch
            From: Monty Python's Flying Circus
  Transcribed By: unknown


A man walks into an office.
 
Man: Good morning, I'd like to have an argument, please. 
Receptionist: Certainly, sir.  Have you been here before? 
Man: No, this is my first time. 
Receptionist: I see, well we'll see who's free at the moment. 
              Mr. Bakely's free, but he's a little bit concilliatory.  No. 
              Try Mr. Barnhart, room 12. 
Man: Thank you. 
 
He enters room 12. 
 
Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT? 
Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that... 
Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED EVIL PAN OF DROPPINGS! 
Man: What? 
A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT!  YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE!  YOU VACUOUS 
   STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!! 
M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!! 
A: OH!  Oh!  I'm sorry!  This is abuse! 
M: Oh!  Oh I see! 
A: Aha!  No, you want room 12A, next door. 
M: Oh...Sorry... 
A: Not at all! 
A: (under his breath) stupid git. 
 
The man goes into room 12A.  Another man is sitting behind a desk. 
 
Man: Is this the right room for an argument? 
Other Man:(pause) I've told you once. 
Man:  No you haven't! 
Other Man: Yes I have. 
M: When? 
O: Just now. 
M: No you didn't! 
O: Yes I did! 
M: You didn't! 
O: I did! 
M: You didn't! 
O: I'm telling you, I did! 
M: You didn't! 
O: Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour? 
M: Ah!  (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes. 
O: Just the five minutes.  Thank you. 
O: Anyway, I did. 
M: You most certainly did not! 
O: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told you! 
M: Oh no you didn't! 
O: Oh yes I did! 
M: Oh no you didn't! 
O: Oh yes I did! 
M: Oh no you didn't! 
O: Oh yes I did! 
M: Oh no you didn't! 
O: Oh yes I did! 
M: Oh no you didn't! 
O: Oh yes I did! 
M: Oh no you didn't! 
O: Oh yes I did! 
M: No you DIDN'T! 
O: Oh yes I did! 
M: No you DIDN'T! 
O: Oh yes I did! 
M: No you DIDN'T! 
O: Oh yes I did! 
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument! 
 
(pause) 
 
O: Yes it is! 
M: No it isn't! 
 
(pause) 
 
M: It's just contradiction! 
O: No it isn't! 
M: It IS! 
O: It is NOT! 
M: You just contradicted me! 
O: No I didn't! 
M: You DID! 
O: No no no! 
M: You did just then! 
O: Nonsense! 
M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!! 
   (pause) 
O: No it isn't! 
M: Yes it is! 
   (pause) 
M: I came here for a good argument! 
O: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an argument! 
M: An argument isn't just contradiction. 
O: Well!  it CAN be! 
M: No it can't! 
M: An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish a 
   proposition. 
O: No it isn't! 
M: Yes it is!  'tisn't just contradiction. 
O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position! 
M: Yes but it isn't just saying "no it isn't". 
O: Yes it is! 
M: No it isn't! 
O: Yes it is! 
M: No it isn't! 
O: Yes it is! 
M: No it ISN'T!  Argument is an intellectual process.  Contradiction is just 
   the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says. 
O: It is NOT! 
M: It is! 
O: Not at all! 
M: It is! 
 
The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops. 
 
O: Thank you, that's it. 
M: (stunned) What? 
O: That's it.  Good morning. 
M: But I was just getting interested! 
O: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up. 
M: That was never five minutes!! 
O: I'm afraid it was. 
M: (leading on)  No it wasn't..... 
O: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more. 
M: WHAT?? 
O: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five 
   minutes. 
M: But that was never five minutes just now! 
   Oh Come on! 
   Oh this is... 
   This is ridiculous! 
O: I told you... 
   I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY! 
M: Oh all right.  (takes out his wallet and pays again.)  There you are. 
O: Thank you. 
M: (clears throat) Well... 
O: Well WHAT? 
M: That was never five minutes just now. 
O: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid! 
M: Well I just paid! 
O: No you didn't! 
M: I DID!!! 
O: YOU didn't! 
M: I DID!!! 
O: YOU didn't! 
M: I DID!!! 
O: YOU didn't! 
M: I DID!!! 
O: YOU didn't! 
M: I-dbct-fd-tq! I don't want to argue about it! 
O: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay! 
M: Ah hah!  Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing???  Ah HAAAAAAHHH! 
   Gotcha! 
O: No you haven't! 
M: Yes I have! 
   If you're arguing, I must have paid. 
O: Not necessarily. 
   I *could* be arguing in my spare time. 
M: I've had enough of this!
O: No you haven't.
  (door slam)